If you’ve been following my blog recently, you’ll know that my recent hospitalisation with meningitis came with many challenges. I actually was so focused on the meningitis that another ulcer has developed on my healing eye as well.
One thing that I didn’t consider when I was in hospital, was the difficulties I would face when I was finally discharged.
I was itching to be at home and back in my own space. That wasn’t to be as I couldn’t be discharged to my home. Not only was I extremely physically weak, but I was also feeling so emotionally vulnerable. Suddenly unable to safely manoeuvre my frame around my tiny unit and terrified I’d fall. I know I require a lot of support to complete everyday tasks and carry out my monotonous eye regime.
Since my eye has become ulcerated again, I am once again at the mercy of the daily eye drops which need to be administered by someone else. I have also become so weak that I’m unable to walk unaided. My hallway at my home is too narrow to fit my walking frame so I’m not able to go home at all, and instead have been discharged into my parents’ care.
Although I know that asking for help is never a burden to the people who care for me, being so dependent on others for so long is beyond tough. I definitely find myself focusing on all the things I can’t do right now.
It has come to my awareness as well, staying with my parents this time, that they’re getting older and unable to provide the same level of care that they once could. Their ageing is becoming more noticeable, and I can see them getting frustrated as well not being able to care for me as they once did.
Simply asking for a cup of tea was paired with the thoughts “I’m useless! I can’t do even basic things anymore.” But I have also found myself habitually asking for things instead of trying to do them myself.
This turned into resentment towards others for all the things that they can do, and all the things that I can’t right now. I was ungrateful for the things my parents were doing for me, which made me not like myself around them.
I quickly realised how damaging this can be to myself, those around me and my healing – I needed to get home sooner rather than later.
This isn’t to say that being at my parents’ house isn’t helping my recovery. But I feel the deep need to get back into my own space and do things on my own. I want my confidence back which has slipped away by being so dependent on those around me.
Being at home, support is just a phone call away. But when I know that help isn’t right there, it pushes me to try to do more by myself and builds my self-esteem and autonomy over my life.
This recent discovery of my parents’ ability to support me is a reality check that they won’t be able to do a lot of things for much longer. And it means that I need to consider what my wellness will look like without their support. Of course, being able to talk to them will always be there, but the physical side of things won’t be able to continue like it has.
When you’re in a difficult spot what CAN you do? What CAN you be grateful for?
As I write in my book …
“…Gratefulness and resentment can co-exist…” (Reinventing Emma, p.214)
How can you choose to focus on the positive aspects of another’s actions and not focus on their oversights?