I just had my first bath in 21 years!
I have been showering over those years so don’t worry – I am keeping clean!
Stroke has robbed me of so much but not soaking in a hot tub doesn’t really bother me. In fact, I really don’t love baths.I actually fear them But when my sister and I recently went on a holiday for a birthday retreat celebration, I had no idea that I would have to face my fear. It was a really amazing atmosphere at the retreat; deep in nature and a beautiful area with a cabin nestled amongst it all. But it had a
BIG, white porcelain bath on my balcony! Yep, my fear was with me on holidays!
My sister was so excited by it. But my response was the absolute opposite. 
I don’t have what others would consider “normal” fears. I will happily go skydiving, walk through dark tunnels or hold a snake. But run that hot water into a bath and I freak out. The idea of getting into a hard, hot, liquid-filled, slippery vessel just screams ‘pain’, ‘falls’ and ‘danger’ to me. Basically, the thought of me having a bath sets off giant red flags and alarm bells; it has become one of my greatest fears.
I had five days in the cabin with this big, white elephant of a bath sitting on my verandah being a constant reminder of my fear.
“Face your fears” My twin sister, Bec, would always chant throughout my childhood. Whether it was diving off a high diving board, riding a motorbike or climbing to the top of a tree, that motto always played over in my mind. I write in my book –
“…Bec was always more daring than me in tackling the unknown. She’d jump off diving boards and climb high trees while I hung back.
“Face your fears,” she would say to me. One day I would become master of this, but what my sister didn’t say was that facing your fears doesn’t necessarily make them go away.
I decided on the final night in the cabin that I needed to face my fear and have a bath. I reminded myself that fear itself is the fuel for the fear. So by facing it and moving towards the thing that is scary, it means it has less control over me.
Since my stroke, I feel like I have enough genuine fears to contend with, so when these fears are in my control – I am keen to tackle them.
“Can you help me?” I heard myself finally whisper on the final night to my sister.
“Sure!” she replied.
So she filled the tub, checked the temperature, helped me remove the white fluffy robe and position a cushion behind my head. She even made me a hot tea.
It was during this experience too that I remember the amount of support I require that enables me to face my fears. Another moment to be grateful and appreciative that I have supports around me to do this.
I lasted 8 minutes in that bath.
My sister asked me later if it was relaxing and worth it. For me, having that bath was NOT a relaxing experience! Honestly, I’d rather go paragliding to relax. But the fact that I was finally able to face a fear made it definitely worth it. What’s more, I was grateful that my sister was able to help me address that fear. I know that If she wasn’t there to set it all up for me, I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone.
It’s so important that we do face our fears. It doesn’t mean that they no longer exist. However, my experience in a way both normalised and validated my fear. Dreading slipping, falling or burning myself is totally valid. My fear is still there II don’t want to have another bath anytime soon!), but that’s ok. I’m proud of myself for being able to face it and grateful I wasn’t alone in the experience either. Having support makes it so much easier.
There’s so much in life that dictates our every move and so much that is out of our control. But the obstacles that we can navigate around can make it easier and put the experience within our control.
Remember, “It’s not what happens to you that matters, its how you choose to deal with it!”