I knew when I bought my flight to Sydney for my sister’s 50th that it would be an exhausting experience. Since my stroke, the debilitating fatigue I experience is only amplified by travel. Not only the airport lines and airplane, but the packing, planning and making sure I have everything I need.
I was never going to miss my sister’s 50th birthday party – this milestone for her was absolutely something I was going to celebrate with her. I wanted to share in the stories, laughter and community of friends and family she had done it with.
But the journey there took a huge toll on my physical and mental energy.
Getting to the airport felt like crossing several small countries to begin with. I bargained with my body asking “please just hold it together long enough to get through security!” and of course, my body responded like a tired toddler: “absolutely not!”
When I was at the gate, I already felt as though I’d completed the trip twice. Travel is strange in the way that it’s suppose to take you to places, but living with overwhelming fatigue, it takes the last of my energy before I even begin.
Exhaustion is not an unfamiliar feeling since my stroke. I write in book:
Another voice calls for Fran’s assistance so I’m wheeled shoeless to face the wall rather than the window and instructed to wait. I still have to have my teeth cleaned and shoes put on before Susan, the porter, comes to take me to my scheduled assessments for the day. I’m dead tired already. Even though I feel as though a concrete fatigue fog is squashing me, I don’t want to rest. I want to start fixing my body. Now. If I could physically throw a tantrum, I would.
Reinventing Emma, page 118
When I finally got there and saw my sister, exhausted in every sense of the word, I knew it was all worth the effort. To see her surrounded by people who love her, glowing and happy, I felt my spirits lift. Even bone-deep tired, I’m so glad I made it there to be part of this big life moment for her.
I showed up as myself as the version that exists now. Not energetically at all, but as myself which in itself, feels honest and an achievement in itself.
At the end of the event, the crash came. I felt my body demand rest for several days. I wasn’t just tired, I was done. I was to get comfortable, quiet and still for a few days to recover.
I know that even with the crash, it was absolutely worth it to go and be present for her birthday party. Sometimes the things that exhaust us are the same things that make us feel human, connected, and alive. My sister turned 50 and I was there to celebrated her life. In a way, it was also a celebration of my own resilience too.
Living with a disability that leaves me so fatigued, I know that I cannot attend every event and I need to weigh up the energetic cost of each one. This celebration though felt also like a triumph for myself and it was totally worth the exhaustion.