I used to go to the pool and swim often as a way to manage my pain. It would allow me to feel lighter and give me a sense of relief.
However, since my corneal graft, water hasn’t felt safe as I can’t get my eye wet, especially with chlorine. It became a task that required lots of planning, covering my eye to make it waterproof and the threat of infection. Add to that the physical effort of putting on a wetsuit and navigating the environment, it all started to feel like too much work.
On holiday at a hotel, the pool was empty without splashing kinds and close to my room. The barriers for me to get in the water were much lower than they have been for a long time. So I decided to get in and try swimming again.
And once I was in my body remembered what buoyancy felt like and everything shifted. I felt totally held by the water. That familiar, almost-forgotten sensation of weightlessness wrapped around me, and for a moment, my body felt supported and lighter. I felt the freedom that being in the water had always enabled me to feel.
It was therapeutic in the true sense of the word.
I then felt a quiet yet overwhelming sense of pride in a deeply personal way. I did something alongside fear, not without it.
Swimming back at home had many hurdles; getting to and from the pool, navigating the people and chaos, kids splashing and yelling and managing a lot of things. It’s not just a swim, it’s a whole operation.
It’s a tension that I sit with often; the joy of what could be possible alongside the reality of what it takes to make it happen. But today reminded me that sometimes it’s enough to say yes to the opportunity as it presents itself. I had t he opportunity to go for a swim, and I said yes to that.
Navigating those layers of effort, management and fear is huge effort. But one moment of relief, joy or freedom can be so worth it.
If you see someone doing something that looks small to your eyes, remind yourself that it might not be small for them at all. It might be layered with planning, fear, effort, and courage you can’t see.