After spending a few weeks in hospital, I am definitely feeling much weaker and reliant on others which has made my confidence plummet. 

I need to get back to things and create spaces for my healing. However, in doing so, I’m finding that I’m exposing myself to all my deficits which is extremely confronting. 

I’m shaking, spilling things and falling over. It’s not easy to admit but I’ve learnt that if I sit still, this doesn’t happen. It’s easier to not exit my comfort zone where I’m safe and secure. But in doing so, I’m not growing.

So, I’ve told myself that it’s time to “embrace the wobbles!” and surrounded myself with support to help me do this. 

I’ve organised for my mobile physiotherapists and support workers to assist with my rehab. Thankfully, being able to stay at my parents’ house means I’m in a bigger home until I’m a bit stronger. I’m able to walk independently with my frame due to the wider spaces. After being institutionalised in hospital and engulfed by so much support, having my parents’ presence also provides me with reassurance that I’m not alone. 

Since my stroke, I have always had a BIG wobble in my step – actually it’s more like an unco-ordinated shake. But I have learnt that focussing on that wobble actually only makes it worse. It definitely doesn’t help my performance in any task or my mental state. I know that it’s part of me and my way of moving through the world now. When I fixate on it, I find it difficult to move forwards.

So, I have gradually accepted that everything I do, I will wobble. This means shaking in yoga, walking, physio and even in everyday tasks like making a cup of tea. I must admit though, sometimes I think it would just be easier not to do these things. I know that mindset is not helping me though. So instead, I choose to embrace my wobble. 

In fact, when I am choosing to embrace the wobble in my stride, it allows space for me to find joy in the difficult things I’m doing. Whether it be walking to the cafe to get a coffee or the daunting idea of being alone in my home whilst feeling vulnerable. 

My hospitalisation has definitely made me feel like I’ve taken 10 steps back with my health and it’s hard to “start over” in some ways. Although this might be true, it’s only a wobble, and I will get my strength and confidence back in time.

What in your life makes you wobble?

What are you doing to move past it and find the joy in it?