People often talk about anniversaries as milestones to celebrate. The are congratulatory events of survival, strength and progress. I wish that was all I felt on this anniversary. Instead, there’s mixed emotions in there like sadness, grief, gratitude and loneliness.Today, it has been 21 years since my stroke and as I get older, somehow this anniversary seems harder rather than easier.
The other day my dog proudly brought me a possum tail and left it outside my bedroom door as a gift. I was completely horrified. My sister came over and quickly removed it from the floor. This was an easy thing to remove from the floor.
Grief is not.
Grief doesn’t disappear like a possum tail because someone comes over that loves and cares about me. It doesn’t go away because I have achieved things. And after 21 years, it has certainly stayed all that time.
My needs have evolved over these twenty-one years yet one thing has remained constant: the incredible support around me.
They have answered phone calls, sat beside me, encouraged me and held hope for me when I couldn’t always find it myself. On this day, as I reflect, my thoughts keep returning to them and to the ways they have empowered me to keep moving forward.
There is no way I would be here twenty-one years later without them, and I will forever be grateful for that love and
support.
support.I also wondering about the toll these twenty-one years have had on them too. Yet despite everything life has brought, they continue to show up. It gives me strength to continue to show up as well. They have modelled kindness, positivity, loyalty and love in ways I aspire to bring into my own everyday life.
I am proud of what I have achieved. I truly am.
But sometimes I miss the dreams of the person I was before my stroke, and I wonder if some of those dreams quietly passed their expiry date while I wasn’t looking.
So this year, there is celebration of survival, but also sitting with the truth of the grief of what hasn’t happened. And both are important.