Not sure what you’re doing right now or why?
I admit to feeling quite unsettled lately. Each morning I catch myself thinking, “What’s the point?” ‘Why have I reinvented who I am in my recovery only to underdo all that hard work? ‘Why have I built a business I can no longer run in the same way?
You see I had finally found my passion to advocate and educate and suddenly this newfound role has been shaken up. Although I love the face-to-face training I deliver, such engagement is no longer suitable in this environment. My business is no longer viable.
Even going to rehab to relearn how to run seems now a waste of time. Surely, this time in isolation is going to rob me of all the repetition and conditioning that rehab had given me? I feel cheated! After a few days trying to master my newfound spot and also keep up my own rehabilitation, I felt my motivation plummet. I felt more irritable and extremely lost. I had the attitude that when things improved, I could pick up where I was at and everything would be dandy! Denial or hope? Probably a bit of both!
However, it’s become increasingly apparent over the last few weeks that things will never return to how they were. Clinging onto the past is only hindering my ability to Let Go and accept. ‘Accept what I can’t change and change what I can!”
But I reminded myself of how I did ‘reinvent’ myself. It all stemmed largely from my purpose in life and the values that I hold. Realising that what I can offer still is built on the same foundation, I just need to adapt my delivery so I still stay true to that purpose and the underpinning values I hold.
I remember early in my rehabilitation, relearning to walk so that I could fulfil my role as Maid of Honor at my twin sister’s wedding and walk down the aisle. For 9 months I practised walking back and forth on the cricket pitch of my local park’s oval. However, when the big day came and I semi-achieved this role, my sister went off on her honeymoon. Me??? I continued to do my daily cricket-pitch walk. But it no longer had any meaning to it. I felt like I was just killing time, wandering along with no idea where I was heading or what I was doing. I had no purpose.
I reflect on this time in my memoir, Reinventing Emma –
“…The big day was over. My twin sister departed on her honeymoon adventure and I felt left behind. I’d worked so hard towards that day and I now felt as if I had no direction, no purpose. I kept going with my rigorous routine, but without a specific goal the effort didn’t seem worthwhile…” (p.193)
It wasn’t until I was asked about ‘my purpose’ and ‘what I wanted to achieve and why’ that I ceased my daily walking regime and began other meaningful pursuits.
So, when adapting to how you do things, focus on your purpose. Whether it’s trying to put your services online, continuing to exercise or modify your living environment, try to reflect on the meaning and values behind these tasks. Although your delivery may be different, staying true to your purpose is still possible. Perhaps rather than focussing on the demise of your hard work, ask yourself, ‘Why do I do what I do?” and“How can I continue purposefully?’